Secret of The Legend
by Library.Diarrhea
Summary: The narrator tries to kill a group of heroes that are boring.


"Alright! It is to be understood that no one break character in the following game of Dungeons and Dragons. I, the dungeon master and narrator, am telling this story and expect everyone to remain in character so as not to foul up the continuity."

There was silence…

Okay, I'm going to start the story. The ship named North Star made it's way cautiously into the harbor of Greendale City. It was an inconspicuous ship and luckily few knew it's real distinction. It was a pirate ship and it's captain was a surprisingly intelligent half-orc named captain Marcus Fang.

While many of the crew were essential for efficient plundering and piracy two could hardly measure up to the life of a buccaneer. A few parting words with captain Fang and the pirates Luis Frances Bejaro and Robert Farris found themselves without a ship and out of work.

Luis and Farris walked off the North Star in glum despair.

"Well that sucks" said Luis. "Are we even pirates anymore?"

Farris turned to his friend. "Beer time. I want to get drunk immediately." Sluggishly Farris pivoted in place and walked out into the street.

"Of course, we're going to a tavern. It figures" replied Luis sarcastically. "I'm guessing we're going to bump into Neville at the tavern" continued Luis. As soon as he had said those words he realized he was not a high level mage capable of casting clairvoyance or future sight. Luis was a dumb person who thought dumb things. Who was Neville, and why was Luis pondering this person's existence?

"Okay, I'm sorry" blurted out Luis randomly into the street.

Farris turned to Luis. "Sorry about what?" he asked.

"Robert, I'm not apologizing to you."

"Call me Farris!"

Luis squinted at Farris. "Fine – Farris."

"Hey, this is boring. When am I introduced into the story?" asked Neville inappropriately barging into the conversation between the two men who were COMPLETE-STRANGERS to him.

Farris looked at Neville from the corner of his eye. "Neville, is that you lad?" he said in a heavily slurred speech despite having not yet imbibed any rum.

"Why captain Farris. It's fancy meetin you here that it is" replied the upbeat Halfling in a strangely out of place British accent. The fact that Neville and Farris knew each other was annoying the narrator. They needed to consult the narrator before changing key elements of the story.

Farris smiled at the plump Halfling. "Good seeing you too Neville. Allow me to introduce my first mate Luis Frances Bejaro." Farris leaned in closer to the Halfling and held up one hand to the side of his mouth. "He's a Spaniard" he whispered.

"Yes," replied Luis, "I am from Spain which is due north west of the Spine of the World." There was a heavy sarcasm in Luis's voice. "Also neither of us are pirates anymore. We just got laid off."

"Shut up!" shouted the belligerent Farris. He pushed Luis and Luis stumbled backwards a few feet falling off the dock and into the deep murky water of the harbor.

"blurble-blurble-blurble!" came the muffled cries of Luis as he struggled quickly to learn the art of swimming. Alas he had not allocated any skill points into that skill and hence forth drowned.

"Wait a second!" came Luis's voice from beyond the dark chasm of death. "You can't just kill me like that!"

The narration of this story must continue without the irrational outbursts of dearly departed and now vestigial characters of this tale.

"I am not dead! Stop being dumb James!" came the effeminate voice of the big-ugly-nose Luis.

All the important characters in the story folded their arms over their chests and refused to advance the plot. Only the NPCs' appeared interested in continued existence but that was equivalent to the narrator playing with himself and such literature was strongly inadvisable to any sensible human able to postulate ethical thought.

The narrator was unhappy, but nobody cared. People don't understand how time consuming and tedious a task it is to organize and run a game of Dungeons & Dragons! The narrator should in all logic be the de facto story teller, a dictator, a god! Stupid little characters don't tell the narrator how their story should be told!

Still Farris and Neville refused to speak or in any way do anything that might be worth describing. Neville grumbled and scratched his chin. Interesting!

…

Suddenly a white mage walked past the drowned Luis and company. He looked at Farris and Neville. "There's a drowned man in the water did either of you think to help this foolish human?"

Neville shrugged his shoulders. "Mister I aint a very good swimmer. That be the truth it is."

"Yeah, and I pushed that human into the water," replied Farris in an increasingly drunken slur. "I'd do it again too if I had better stamina."

"The holy mistress frowns upon you." The white mage turned to the water where Luis's corpse floated. The mage cast a holy spell and wisps of white wind flowed and uplifted the soulless body. With the delicacy of an angel the body was lifted from the water and high up over the pier. Water dripped from Luis's soaked body and white magical feather appeared, quickly floated away, and faded to nothing as they embraced the air and cushioned Luis's graceful decent back to this Earth.

Mere feet off the floor of the pier the spell suddenly ended and Luis crashed against the wooden pier with a hard "thwack".

"Agghhh…" grumbled Luis in discomfort. He coughed and propped himself upright to look at the white mage. "Thank you sir for reviving me."

"I am a servant of the lord," replied the white mage. "It was my duty, not my honor." He walked away briskly.

Farris mocked the white mage without the man's notice. "Duty, not honor… blah blah blah- stuck up whitey probably has his wand straight up his-"

Neville cut him off. "Robert, not in the house. My mom and sister are upstairs."

"I hate playing in the basement" replied Robert Farris.

Luis interjected. "Listen let's just go to a tavern or something."

"Taverns are stupid" muttered Farris.

Luis gave Farris a look of bewilderment. "But you were the one who suggested it."

"Yeah, and the two of you were gona meet me there" added Neville.

"Neville we have already met you. For god sakes man were talking to you right now!"

"Good point that is."

Farris began walking off. "I just need some rum and a good wench I can wrap me arms around."

Luis had his face firmly planted in his right hand. "Tavern…."

Hours passed wondering around not asking for directions till the adventurers found themselves at the Lady Luck Tavern. It was a medium sized building made of thick brown woods, smelling of beer and musk. The fact that it was supposed to be a casino of sorts was sparsely visible. There were card tables and a number of orcs had formed around a table for loud arm wrestling matches. Most of the tavern was filled with loud chatter and horrible, really atrociously played, drunken music.

Prominently off in one corner of the tavern was a long table. Behind it sat three well-dressed pirates facing outward into the crowd. They were apparently recruiting pirates for a ship bound to leave the harbor in the morning.

"Well gee," said Luis, "I wonder if we should go over to that table and talk with those pirates." There was heavy sarcasm in his voice like he was making jokes with an imaginary friend. Maybe the imaginary friend didn't appreciate Luis's dumb sarcasm. This is an amazing plot development and Luis is too stupid a protagonist to realize that.

Luis was starring forward. Any amusement he had managed before had now evidently dissipated.

"I'll never sign onto another pirate ship again!" blurted out Farris. "I'm a damned captain now!"

With his hands waving in the air and acting hysterical Luis turned to Farris and shouted. "Damn it Robert! What the hell are we going to do?! Buy a ship?!"

Neville and Farris were taken aback by Luis's outburst.

"Dude…" mumbled Neville in a low questioning voice. "This is just a game."

The narrator didn't know what game Neville was referring to. Neville was like every other protagonist in this story. No one understands the concept of hardcore roleplaying. The narrator was much happier running off into his room with his action figures and playing pretend stories. His GI Joe and Boba Fett figures were much more receptive to quality story telling.

Everyone remained quiet for a moment and Luis felt embarrassed for his outburst.

Farris took a long breath and for a moment took on a serious tone. "Listen," he paused pushing himself to act normal. "I, well you're right Luis. Maybe I'm getting a little carried away. I'll be more reasonable."

Everyone was talking in circles and refusing to advance the plot. Maybe if the narrator was speaking in first person he could better express his frustration about the lack of plot development.

Just then the narrator had a brilliant idea…

The host of the tavern walked from behind the bar to face the three adventurers. "Hello there folks," he said in an incredible masculine and sexy voice. "My name is James Thorton, and I run this tavern. May I interest you in a few drink."

"James… really?" said Luis flatly.

Farris chuckled. "Oh this is hilarious. I want to play this out."

"Well sir," responded James, "I am inclined to grant your request."

Both Neville and Farris appeared amused with the situation, but Luis was lifeless. He had evidently given up on any mental sparing and was just trying to drift through the rest of the story. Luis shook his head in annoyance despite the growing feelings of inadequacy which he knew to be true.

James continued speaking in an upbeat. "I have a knack for spotting adventurers. It just so happens I have need of three such as yourselves."

Neville stole a glance to each side and then moved closer to the bar. "Is there good coin to be made?"

James nodded his head.

Luis scowled again. "Well James, what do you need done?"

James Thorton smiled triumphantly. "It just so happens that I have giant rats in my cellar that need to be slain."

"Mr. Thorton, your creativity is boundless" said Luis again in a sarcastic tone. He put his hands together. "Why not simply get a giant cat?" Luis smirked tilting his head to the left.

The tavern owner was not amused.

"That!," exclaimed Farris between a half belch, "… does not make the slightest bit of sense." He turned his head to face James squarely. "What you need is a tiger."

The Halfling butted in excitedly, "or maybe you could summon a great black panther like the great Guenhwyvar herself!"

Farris raised a finger. "Or maybe Guenhwyvar and a tiger that can breathe fire."

The tavern owner looked from Neville to Farris. "That sounds awfully lavish." James started to sound impatient but made audible attempt to mask his frustration. "Listen I'll pay each of you ten gold. Go downstairs and kill those rats. It will take five minutes!"

"Why da' just go downstairs and kill em yourself?" asked Farris in a drunken slur. He had now heavily imbibed from various mugs that lay before him on the bar.

James Huston was now visibly angry. "This is a side quest and I am an NPC! Must every little detail be exclaimed to you people!"

Luis raised both his hands palm forward seeking to calm the tavern owner. "Listen we'll take care of this for you," he said. He looked at Neville and Farris. "Right guys?"

The two of them agreed.

James gestured with his head. "Right, follow me then." He opened up a place at the bar and took them to a room behind. The kitchen was to their left and a door to the cellar lay in front of them.

"Are you ready?" asked James.

The adventurers nodded their heads and prepared their weapons. Farris wielded a scimitar, Luis took out a short sword, and the Halfling Neville readied a bolt in his small crossbow. James opened the door and the three ventured downstairs.

The cellar was dark. Despite being a small room it was open. None of them could hear any familiar rat noises. This was very peculiar.

"Is there a light down here?" hollered Neville up at the tavern owner.

"Should be," replied James. "Check the center pillar for a torch.

Neville quickly found the torch and lit it. The little room was completely illuminated instantly. To the shock of the adventurers they found themselves surrounded by five ninja all with blades drawn.

"Game over bitches!" cried out James as he slammed the upstairs down shut and locked it.

Farris gave a hearty battle cry and lashed out at the ninja. His attack was awkward and easily defendable. Two ninja stood poised to dodge and in one seamless blow deliver two deadly blows to the mad pirate. Farris however was a man of profound luck. In his drunken state he stumbled sideways and slashed wildly. His sword slashed a rope that was holding up netting on the ceiling. The netting gave way and random supplies crashed over the heads of the two ninja. It was not heavy enough to wound, but useful enough to disorient them.

A shuriken struck Luis in the arm. He grunted in pain and then charged at the ninja that had attacked him. Acting quickly he drew out a small dagger just barely blocking an attack from a second ninja.

Neville shrieked in terror as a ninja approached him readying three shuriken from a fold in his garment. In his shriek of fear his whole body had involuntarily spasmed. The crossbow jumped out of his hands and the ninja awkwardly caught it. Than the ninja tilted his head in confusion and Neville shrieked again. Quickly the Halfling turned and grabbed the torch behind him. The ninja mumbled his own shriek under his hood as Neville hastily set him ablaze.

The ninja that Neville had attacked screamed and fell against the wall. For a moment the lighting in the room went dark.

Farris was still on the ground in a drunken wrestling match with the other two confused ninja.

In the darkness Luis was unable to block another attack from one of the ninja he faced. The wall and ceiling had started to catch on fire and there was illumination once more. The unblocked attack had impaled a ninja sword in Luis's left leg.

Luis fought back the pain. He dropped his own weapon held the attacker's blade in his leg leaving his attacker defenseless. With a single motion he brought up his dagger and forced it into the ninja's neck.

During this attack Luis's side had been open and the other ninja impaled him through the chest. Luis screamed out in anger and yet managed to survive the attack. With a second blade stuck in him the other ninja was also defenseless. With quick action Luis ripped the enemie's blade out of his leg and slashed it across the other ninja. It was a killing blow. It also hurt like a bitch.

Still wrestling on the ground with the other ninja Farris had little idea of what was going on. Neville screamed out a warning as he saw the ceiling over Farris catch fire and then give way. The enflamed ceiling crashed to the floor, but just in time and with great strength Farris rolled the other two dazed ninja on top of him and used them as meat shields.

Neville and Luis watch hopelessly as their friend was caught underneath the destruction.

"Captain!" cried out Neville.

Luis weakly made his way to the fiery ruble. Depressively he looked on.

The two adventurers were quiet for a long moment.

The door upstairs opened and a furious James Thorton entered. "What the hell is going on?!" he screamed hoping to get a response from his ill-fated ninja assassins. His eyes went wide as he saw Neville and Luis standing over the victorious battle ground.

James screamed and ran away leaving the door ajar.

A hand miraculously pushed it's way through the fire begging for help.

Neville respond quickly and Luis anxiously looked on.

With surprising strength the Halfling quickly moved debris from on top of Farris and helped the man up. Farris was bruised and had dark ash marks all over his body.

Though Neville was small Farris leaned on him for support. "Man those were the strangest giant rats I ever fought." Farris blinked and fell back still in a drunken swagger. "I could use another drink."

"Me too," replied Luis weakly. "Some medical attention might be nice too."

The three laughed and made their way upstairs. They would be met with a contingent of town guards and the same white mage who was on duty and unhappy to see them again. James Huston was in custody and tavern patrons were still trying to order more drinks.

The narrator hated this ending. Despite all his efforts the heroes had prevailed. He would have his vengeance on the two pirates and the Halfling. They would face evil unlike any kind ever to exist.


End file.
